[ Go to Chapter 2 ]
Listen to the Audio for Chapter 1
Chapter 1 - The Insurgency
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and in Santa’s sleigh
Toys were ready to be delivered before the break of day
The elves were excited and looked up with delight
As Santa walked into the room, all dressed for the night
He dawned his signature red cap and warm fuzzy coat
And he was double checking the list that he had wrote
Sweet little Margaret had been good all year long
She was getting a calendar with Brad Pitt in a thong
Jimmy was extra good, a bold “Nice” was next to his name
For him, and X-Box, and a gratuitously bloody video game
“So many good children this year!” Santa said with a smile
“To deliver this many toys, it will take quite a while!”
Opening the garage door, Santa felt a cold winter blast
He covered his face and said “Global warming my ass!”
He checked his reindeer to make sure they had their gear
Then he gave Mrs. Clause a kiss, and a squeeze in the rear
“Naughty Santa!” she said with a coy little smile
“Just wait till I get back!” Santa said in his smooth jolly style
When, what to their wondrous eyes did appear
When the wall exploded, injuring three reindeer
The moon giving luster on objects below
Revealed an army of shadows out in the snow
Santa sprang into action to see what was the matter
And off in the distance, he heard a malevolent chatter
Santa ran up investigating the newly exploded wall
Where he found a pile of dead elves, seventeen all-in-all
“Show yourself, who’s responsible?” He said loud and fast
“Show yourself, or Santa will get jolly on your ass!!”
The shadows got quite, each and every man
When the leader came forward, revealing Alan Greenspan
“The former federal reserve chair? What are you doing here?”
Greenspan said “I’m here to stop all your damn goodwill and cheer!”
“Where in a recession, our economy is in ruin
And you’re making it worse, you bulbous buffoon!
(If needed, feel free to take liberties in the pronunciation of buffoon to make it rhyme with ruin)
We need people to shop, and spend their hard-earned cash
But you give people free gifts, the first down to the last!”
“You’re saying I killed the economy?” Santa said with a sneer
“You kept interest rates way to low, year after year!
You were a fool, the market got way to hot
Because of you it tanked, you made it fester and rot!”
“Oh it’s on now!” Greenspan said, putting down is coffee cup
“And I’ve brought an army of bankers up here to back me up!”
Greenspan said, “we’re here to stop you and your reindeer that fly”
Then he pulled out a blowtorch and screamed “Surrender or die”
Santa sighed, and took a long puff off his pipe
He realized that the night would not end without a fight
Santa replied “You surprised us, you made us look like suckers”
“But all that ends now, prepare to die you mother …
…born humans…
…?
“Rudolph, now!” without warning, Santa screamed
And immediately Rudolph jumped onto the scene
His glowing red nose became insufferably bright
Until Greenspan and his bankers completely lost sight
A built in flash grenade, one of Rudolph’s many tricks
Santa and all his minions fled, so lively, so quick
When their sight had returned, everyone had disappeared
Santa was gone along with his wife, his elves, his reindeer
Greenspan’s bankers, amazed, looked out in the snow drift
How can an obese man and tiny elves be so swift?
“Where have they gone?” with fear, the bankers exclaimed
Greenspan said “to prepare for war; I suggest, we do the same”
[ Go to Chapter 2 ]
Listen to the Audio for Chapter 1
Special thanks to Reone662 for unknowingly supplying the audio file Santa Claus is Coming to Town for this project. Note that my audio file is released under a CC license identical to the Newgrounds CC license.