The Blazing Burrito
Quotes From People and Things Posted in Reverse Chronological Order
(Newest Entry First)

...

GO YOU BASTARD GO!!

Robot Chicken

(A guy is hitting on a girl in a bar) Are you from Heaven? 'Cause I have an erection!!

Paul Brown

I just took a crap, and it was definitely on two different points in the phase diagram.

Billy Aslaner

Woa!! My Nipples are irradiating lightning!!

Calvin IM'd Me

Crkurz GT: I listen to you Billy... what would you like to say?
Auto response from AslanderComander: I am FED UP with folks not listening to me
AslanderComander: poop
Crkurz GT: I knew it would be some form of excrement


"

Hannah S

Hey Billy, what are you doing while you're naked?

Brooke

Woa, that girl is ripped!!

Billy and Matt

Billy: I think this is the worst think we've ever talked about.
Matt: No, I don't think it is.

Eric Murphy

Billy: I am a marsupial. I lay eggs and I have a pouch where I keep my tiny young until they are old enough to go out on their own.

Eric: I had a fanny pack once.

Hank and Bobby Hill

Hank: The terrible truth is that America, the best country in the history of the world, no longer makes television sets. If I let this one fall apart, I let a piece of America die.
Bobby: Well, couldn't we just get a Japanese one?
Hank: Bobby, go to your room.

Matt Stout

Well, I just beat the fat kid game.

Peggy Hill

So they asked me to teach German, and I said "nein," which I thought meant yes. But it turns out, "nein" means no. So I blew a big opportunity.

Matt Stout

I pooped in the hallway.

Hank Hill

This is a job, for meat.

Peggy Hill

My name is Peggy, and I love MEAT!!

Hank Hill

Take off that crown, I'm kicking your ass!!
(At a renaissance festival)

Matt Stout

So I had to go prove that Abraham Lincoln wasn’t gay. And I don’t remember how I did it, but it involved an owl.

My Mom

I don’t go skinny dipping, I go chunky dumping.

Elizabeth

I wish I could sing like a black person.

Hank Hill

Murderers are just bullies. If you stand up to them, they crumble.

Hank Hill

Smuggling Cocaine? That’s Got to be illegal!!

Hank Hill

Let’s go Bobby, we’re done with this jack-ass festival.
(Talking to a doctor wanting to prescribe him testosterone)

Kenny Bradley

This game is all special perception.
(Referring to Tetris)

Matt Stout

Oh man. There is a cop behind me, and I have my pants unzipped.

Romeo Jr.

Every once in a while, I’ll pretend that there is a ghost in the room and I’ll say Hey ghost, I know you’re there. Having fun watching me?

That way, if there ever really is a ghost, I just totally blew his mind.

Matt Stout

I just discovered a new way to crap my pants.

Scrooge McDuck

Forget the boobie!!

Matt Stout

Those ducks are making out.

Sweet!!
(Referring to Duck Tails)

Billy Aslaner

Did you say pee or urinate?
(See below)

Matt Stout

I think I’ve discovered a new way to pee.

Billy and Matt (Playing Smash Bros.)

Billy: My Testicles!!
Matt: Mine too!!

Billy and Matt

Billy: Dude, I just don’t know if I have a conscious at all.
Matt: Well, you wouldn’t murder a baby, would you?
Billy: No.
Matt: Well, there ya go.

Rodney Dangerfield

I tell ya girls, they always give me a hard time. There was one girl I took out, as soon as I met her I liked her, ya know? I said to her, I says "Do you believe in love at first sight." She looked at me, she said not from this first sight.

Calvin IM'd Me

Calvin: -
Billy: "-" indeed
Calvin: sorry. I just tried to drown my keyboard and it was calling to you for help. disregard that please
Billy: hahhahahahahhhaah
Billy: I dunno, should maybe I should call the keyboard abuse hotline
Calvin: no, no... everything's fine here. you don't need to get involved. these aren't the droids you're looking for. move along.

Matt Stout

I would have got up to talk to them, but I didn’t have my pants zipped up.
(Matt Stout explaining why he didn’t get up to talk to Lindsay and Carolyn)

Kim Hand

Billy, you’ve got dump?!!!

Kim Hand

Turd Muffin

Ozzy Osbourne

Okay!! You can’t kill rock and roll!!!

Hank Hill

What kind of sick bastard runs a water pipe through a stud without installing a nail guard??

Billy and Matt

Billy: ok, so taco bell tomorrow, I'll bring the sims 2, and you bring king of the hill
Matt: sweet turds-a-thon

Matt Stout

There is one really fat woman. That's the meat-eating woman.

Billy Aslaner

Women are like Ferrari's. They're all beautiful in their own way.

They're also hard to catch and will end up costing you a fortune.

Jim Adler (The Texas Hammer)

I'm Jim Adler, the Texas Hammer!! A tough smart lawyer!! I fight for YOU!

Billy and Matt

Matt: i've been naked in your apartment
Matt: i went to your apartment
Matt: and got naked and watched you for a week
Billy: that was you?
Matt: yep

Paul Brown

billy, if you rearrange the letters of your name, billy aslaner, you get lesbian rally

Billy and Kelly

Billy: oh yeah, that makes sense, sorry, I'm not the sharpest knife in the barn
Kelly: knife in the barn?? thats a new one
Billy: uhh, heh, yeah, I think I just combined 2 phrases into one

the sharpest knife in the drawer

and

...

something that involves a barn...

Matt Stout

the dump i took earlier was fantastic

Ash Williams

Hail to the King, baby.
(then proceeds to passionately kiss a complete stranger)

Maximus (Gladiator)

My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.

Matt Stout

I don't have to tell you, probably, because you probably already know, that flying squirrels are nature's best animal.

Like, I think in the period of time after God created animals, and before he created man, flying squirrel was the top animal on the earth. It rained supreme on the earth.

You can't beat a flying squirrel. They're nature's ninja.

Hall of Badassitude

Genghis Khan was born in Central Mongolia in the year 1162 CE under the name Timujin, meaning "Iron Man" and you know that when your parents name you after a Black Sabbath song you're going to be trouble.

Alicia Powers

Egg nog grows up and turns into a huge sludge invading the streets of Atlanta

Strong Bad

Hey the Cheat! Did we catch anything in the death hole today?

The quote that started it all, inspiring a word document, a web page, and a life-long tradition. Matt Stout, talking to his wife in labor

You remember what you told me 9 months ago? Well, it wasn't the first time I heard it.

Except that time, it was from a man.