December 19, 2009
Great news everybody, all terrorism all over the world has been stopped FOREVER! Islamic radicals linked to Al Qaeda no longer threaten to do harm to innocent civilians! Sure, a guy shot dozens of people in an army base. Sure, a guy just tried to blow up a plane using explosive underwear. And sure, both of these people have links to Al Qaeda, but we should be celebrating the fact that this wasn’t terrorism!
Why wasn’t it terrorism? Because these guys weren’t terrorists!
Why weren’t they terrorists? Because our elected officials told us they weren’t! There are no more terrorists!
Why don’t we have terrorists? Because under the current administration, they are now considered a lone disturbed individual, rather than an organized terrorists. They try to do the exact same thing as terrorists, they do it the exact same way as terrorists, and they do it for the exact same reason as terrorists, but do not be misled by foolish and unenlightened “logic,” they are not terrorists.
| If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a creature with an assumed predisposition to poultry or poultry-like behavior. But we do not find it appropriate to label this creature a “duck.” |
And so we’ve eliminated the existence of terrorists, but that’s not all. We will never suffer through an act of terrorism again. Sure, we will have a man made disaster here and there, but never terrorist activity.
And guess what, the war is over! Rather than fight a war on terror, we are now engaged in an Overseas Contingency Operation. And we’re not even fighting to win this operation, because the word “win” sounds too overbearing!
But I say, why stop there? Unemployment is over 10% now, but we can make unemployment drop to 0% in just an instance!! Rather than being “un-employed,” which is way to harsh and humiliating a word, why don’t we just call unemployed people “persons of a alternative employment status.” There you go. Unemployment eliminated. Economic crisis, SOLVED!
Poverty? Nip that in the bud! Originally, I was going to eliminate poverty by dropping the poverty level to $0.01 to $0.00 a year, but now I realize it would be much easier to designate them something else. Rather than being impoverished, we will now call it being “differently wealthy.”
Is General Motors still bankrupt? No you silly goose! They never even entered bankruptcy in the first place! They simply entered into an “unconventional relationship with financial obligations.”
| The problem is that if I try to enter an “unconventional relationship” with paying my car payment, I bet GMAC would make me enter a relationship with finding somebody to drive me to work. |
Homeless? Not with government help! Without spending a dime, we can upgrade you from “Homeless” to “Ascertaining a lifestyle that is less requiring of traditional human habitation.” We could even call that “being green!” Thanks for doing your part!
| We will soon be passing cap and trade legislation that will enable more individuals to “ascertain” the same lifestyle as yourself! |
And there you go.
Terrorism? Eliminated.
War? Done.
Unemployment? At 0% for the first time in history.
Poverty? Gone.
Bankruptcy? Not anymore.
Homeless? No, just saving some polar bears.
And all in less than 5 kilobytes of text.
They keyboard truly is mightier than the sword, so long you’ve got enough people with swords around you so that you never have to use the keyboard against a sword-bearing lone disturbed individual.
But what the hell do I know.